Some Anniversaries Suck

We are reminded, especially this time of year, that there a lot of reasons for us to be thankful. And I really try to be. There are also a lot of dates where we find ourselves celebrating anniversaries; such as weddings, birthdays, first dates, cancer recovery, addiction recovery, etc. Those are all great things to celebrate and remember. Especially your wedding date if you are married. {Just a helpful reminder guys}
Tomorrow is the 1 year mark {Im not calling it anniversary} of the day my brother Mike died. It's been a very tough year for many of us. Mike was not only my brother but also one of my very best friends. Almost a year later and the questions still invade my sleep. The "whys" "what ifs" "wish I would haves", all these things that are unanswered hang in my mind like a bad dream. But unfortunately, it's not a bad dream. As I had written earlier in another post, it does get easier with time but the hurt will never go away.
Earlier this week Abby was doing a journalism project where you had to interview someone about a place they have visited. Abby decided to interview me about our trips to northern Ontario where we go each summer for great fishing trips. On a last minute cancellation a few years back, I took Abby up with "the guys" when she was 14 so she knows how special this place is to me. One of the questions she asked was, "what is one of your favorite memories from this trip?" The instant I thought about it, well, I couldn't even talk for a few minutes. I was overwhelmed. Once I regained composure, I told her about the trip I took her Uncle Mike with me. Every since my first trip up there in 1998, I had tried to convince him to go. Finally, in 2005, we were able to make it happen. We were looking forward to this trip the entire year. {Like we do every year!} We had to schedule this trip earlier in July because it was the only time some of the guys could go. As luck would have it, the mayfly hatch came late that year and we found ourselves in the middle of it. If you're not familiar with walleye fishing, a mayfly hatch means the walleye have plenty to eat so they are probably not going to be interested in your bait. Well, fishing was tough but we still managed to catch enough fish for some shore lunches and bring fish home. But my favorite part of this trip was on the very first day Mike and I went out fishing. This was his first time fishing for walleye or pike. We headed out around South Island and we were casting and slow retrieving for walleye. It wasn't long before BAM, he had one on. I knew that whatever it was, it was BIG! As he fought this Canadian monster, we laughed and laughed. It took line out and he would get some back. It reminded us of another fishing adventure we had at Clinton Lake, "play it out, play it out!" I'll tell this story another time.
What seemed like a long time, but in reality was probably only a few minutes, he finally got it to the boat. We thought we had won as I was preparing to net this thing. My first thought was, I don't think our nets big enough. But when that huge pike finally got to the surface beside the boat, he had other things in mind. With the flick of his head and swish of his tail, the line snapped and like a ghost, he was gone. Back to the black depths of the lake. We were a little disappointed not getting it in the boat but man, was that cool. We sat down and lit up a smoke and talked about that fish for 10 minutes, not even fishing. Just talking. Yep, one of my favorite memories.
I guess it's memories like that that helps keep us sane when life happens. I miss Mike, a lot. I miss the talks we used to have; I miss riding along with him in his truck on an errand to help someone out; I miss watching games with him; I miss spending time outdoors with him; I miss sharing books with him; I miss the family time with him; I miss his smile and his laugh. I'm okay with remembering these things, I have to. No, I need too. But please don't ask me to call this an "anniversary" because I just can't celebrate a loss like this. Maybe someday, but not now, not yet. That's the view from my stand.